Singapore’s snake removal services have announced a strategic pivot to "Human Removal" after realizing reptiles are significantly less venomous than the local population.

NParks officials confirmed that a three-metre reticulated python discovered in a Tampines toilet bowl exhibited more social grace than the average commuter during peak hour.

ACRES volunteers are reportedly refusing to rescue snakes from luxury penthouses, claiming the reptiles deserve a better environment than being surrounded by high-net-worth sociopaths.

The government has praised the initiative, noting that a King Cobra's bite is far more merciful than a corporate Performance Improvement Plan.

"Wah lau, the snake just chill only, not like my boss always want to bite my head off for one tiny typo," said local clerk Lim Ah Huat.

"I tell you ah, the python in my longkang more handsome than my ex-husband, at least he don’t talk rot every day," added resident Tan Bee Geok.

Henceforth, any snake found in a residential area will be granted Permanent Residency, provided it can prove it won't complain about the heat.