The Maritime and Port Authority has reported a 400% surge in middle-aged men kite-foiling at East Coast Park, citing a desperate need to "lepak" away from their screaming toddlers.

These wannabe Olympians are reportedly spending thousands on carbon-fibre boards just to hover three feet above the water like expensive, uncoordinated dragonflies.

The sport has been officially recognised as the most expensive method of doing absolutely nothing while pretending to have an actual personality.

"I tell my wife I training for Olympics, but actually I just want to float there and look at the tankers," said local hobbyist, Ah Teck.

"If I fall in the water, at least I don't need to sign the school diary, sibeh shiok man."

The government is reportedly considering taxing the wind to ensure that no citizen finds joy without contributing to the national treasury.