Singaporean women have officially declared that a VIP standing pen ticket is more sexually arousing than their long-term partners.

A recent study suggests local females are now only reaching a climax when Chris Martin hits a falsetto.

The government is reportedly panicked as the national birth rate falls behind the total number of friendship bracelets traded at the National Stadium.

“My boyfriend’s performance in bed is like a local indie gig—short, awkward, and nobody really wants to pay for it,” said 24-year-old concert enthusiast Cheryl Lim.

“If he never buy Cat 1 tickets, don’t expect me to let him play with my 'Yellow' tonight, can or not?”

Desperate men are now seen wearing glitter and learning K-pop choreography just to secure a glance from their significant others.

Relationship experts warn that romantic intimacy in Singapore has been entirely outsourced to touring multi-millionaires.