The Ministry of Education has announced updated bidding requirements for school canteen stalls, ensuring that only the most desperate culinary geniuses apply.

Prospective vendors must now demonstrate the ability to serve 1,200 screaming children in ten minutes while maintaining a profit margin of exactly three cents.

Applicants are required to submit a 50-page thesis on how to make steamed corn taste like something other than cardboard.

"Wah lau, they want me sell chicken rice for one dollar but expect Gordon Ramsay standard," said Mdm Tan, a veteran vendor.

"Next time maybe must have PhD in Physics just to fry bee hoon for these small kids ah?"

An MOE spokesperson stated that the goal is to prepare students for the harsh reality that quality costs nothing if you exploit the elderly enough.

The new criteria also include a mandatory 'endurance test' involving standing in a wind tunnel filled with Primary 1s playing the recorder.