The Ministry of Education has officially updated the national curriculum to classify "sexual intercourse" as a fictional concept used by foreigners to avoid studying.

New textbooks instruct students that human reproduction is achieved by rubbing two high-distinction certificates together under a portrait of the Prime Minister.

"I tell my class already, you look at girl too long, the NEA will come catch you for biological littering," warned veteran teacher Mrs. Low.

The controversial "Abstinence Until Retirement" module explains that any physical sensation below the neck is actually a symptom of a mild stroke.

"Walau, my cher say the 'G-Spot' is just a myth like the chewing gum black market, so I just go play Roblox lor," said 14-year-old Kevin.

The Ministry maintains that any desire for intimacy is merely a mismanaged craving for a higher credit score.