The Ministry of Sustainability has launched an elite hawker training academy featuring a high-intensity "Wok Combat" syllabus.

Students must endure three years of standing in 50-degree kitchens without air-conditioning to achieve their Honours in Char Kway Teow.

"My prof say if my arm never get third-degree burn from oil splatter, I cannot graduate lah," remarked trainee Ah Seng.

The curriculum includes advanced modules in passive-aggressive bowl-slamming and the physics of ignoring hungry tourists.

Graduates are expected to master the art of looking miserable while charging six dollars for three tiny prawns.

"Last time my grandfather just cook, now must write thesis on why my soup so salty," grumbled Master Trainer Uncle Tan.

Those who fail the final exam are sentenced to a lifetime of working in air-conditioned food courts.