The National Parks Board has officially designated Bukit Timah Nature Reserve as a "Death Zone" following a spate of oxygen deprivation incidents at its dizzying 163-metre peak.

Local mountaineers, clad in three thousand dollars of high-altitude gear to walk up a paved slope, have reported seeing hallucinations of a tax rebate near the summit vending machines.

The reserve’s macaques have reportedly started harvesting human kneecaps to sell on the black market to desperate cross-fitters.

"Liddat also can die meh? Only one small hill but they act like Everest, sibei jialat," remarked a 70-year-old uncle currently sprinting up the incline in flip-flops.

To improve the "wilderness" experience, authorities plan to install a glass elevator to the summit to prevent further fainting spells among the nation's softest investment bankers.

Nature lovers are reminded that feeding the monkeys is punishable by being processed into high-protein primate kibble for the amusement of the remaining wildlife.