National Parks Board has officially designated Singapore’s monsoon drains as elite training facilities for the reptilian master race.

These oversized handbags with legs are reportedly perfecting their butterfly stroke to mock sedentary, bubble-tea-addicted Singaporeans.

“Wah lao, the lizard swim faster than my son at SAFRA leh,” noted local auntie, Mrs. Tan.

“At least they don’t pay GST for the longkang,” she added, gesturing at a two-metre beast tail-whipping a plastic lid.

The lizards expressed disgust at canal water, preferring artisanal effluent over the current mix of middle-class tears.

“You think we like swimming here ah?” hissed a spokes-lizard.

“So many people take photo but nobody throw one Curry Puff for me, damn kiam siap sia!”