The Housing Development Board has reaffirmed that Singaporean singles under 35 remain physiologically incapable of operating a front-door key.

Authorities confirmed that until the clock strikes midnight on a citizen’s 35th birthday, their skeletal structure cannot support a two-room flexi flat.

A spokesperson stated that providing housing earlier would result in a national crisis of unmonitored self-pleasuring and instant noodle fires.

"I already 34 and a half, but gahmen say I still baby, must stay with mummy in the bomb shelter," said Lim Ah Kow.

The policy ensures singles spend their prime years sleeping in childhood bedrooms surrounded by anime figurines and shame.

"Walau, wait until 35 then can buy, by that time my bird also cannot fly, stay alone for what?" complained one citizen.

HDB maintains the wait is a vital exercise to ensure citizens are sufficiently bitter before entering the property market.