The Land Transport Authority (LTA) has officially upgraded its "Stand Up for Singapore" campaign to "Sit Down and Die." MRT carriages now feature ceiling-mounted turrets programmed to vapourise anyone under 65 occupying a yellow seat.

LTA spokesperson Tan Boon Huat confirmed that "mild inconvenience" is no longer a deterrent. "We must foster a gracious society through the threat of immediate disintegration," he stated. Commuters must now display Pioneer Generation cards or a visible compound fracture to avoid being targeted by AI-controlled lasers.

Local auntie, Mdm Tan, 72, praised the move: "Steady lah! Last time those student always act blur, play phone don't want see me. Now one red dot on their head, they jump up faster than lightning. Very shiok!"