The Land Transport Authority has officially mandated that all Bus Captains must maintain eye contact and blow suggestive kisses to commuters to justify upcoming fare hikes.

Failure to exhibit mandatory joy will result in the driver being lashed to the bus roof to serve as a human lightning rod.

Commuters have reacted with pure, unadulterated horror at being acknowledged as sentient beings by the transport workforce.

"Walao, the uncle look at me and say 'Good morning' I thought he siao or want to rob me," said local resident Tan Ah Kow.

LTA insists that forcing underpaid staff to perform emotional gymnastics is the only way to mask the stench of a failing public infrastructure.

"Normally they just stone only, now must act cute, damn geli sia," another passenger added.