The Singapore Armed Forces has officially declared the sun a "hostile insurgent" and ordered all recruits to engage in a tactical staring contest with the equator.

Following a heatwave that turned Pulau Tekong into a literal human air-fryer, MINDEF announced that fainting from heat exhaustion is now a punishable offence.

"You think the sun hot is it? My grandmother can cook laksa on your forehead lah!" screamed 3SG Koh, while watching a recruit’s skin sizzle like a neglected burger.

To combat the "weak-c*ck" phenomenon of collapsing, the dreaded "Silver Bull" rectal thermometer will now be worn as a permanent tactical attachment to monitor core temperatures.

"Eh, I thought I was dying, then the medic shove one cold metal rod up my backside and I wake up immediately," sobbed Recruit Tan, whose skin now matches the shade of a boiled prawn.

"Now I not scared of the sun anymore, I only scared of bending down to pick up my rifle."

The Army remains firm that if your internal organs aren't simmering at a brisk 40 degrees, you are clearly a security risk.

Any soldier caught seeking shade will be forced to undergo a 12-hour water parade until they effectively become a human water cooler.