The Ministry of Home Affairs has announced a mandatory lobotomy for any citizen unable to navigate the linguistic minefield of a traditional kopitiam.

Under the new "Speak Proper Dialect or Die" initiative, ordering a simple caffeinated beverage now requires the verbal precision of a neurosurgeon performing a bypass.

"If you do not specify 'Siew Dai' or 'Gao', you are basically a domestic terrorist," remarked one official while sipping a brew thick enough to stop a buffalo’s heart.

"Wah lau, last time I go uncle there say 'Kopi' only, he look at me like I kill his mother," said local resident Tan Ah Kow.

"Now must say 'Kopi-C-Peng-Siew-Dai-Gao' or else he give me the black face and tell me go back school."

Meanwhile, the 'Pointy-Pointy' method of ordering mixed rice has been upgraded to a competitive sport, with gold medals awarded for the most aggressive finger-stabbing at the sweet and sour pork.

"I just point only what, why must know the name? This one, that one, and that one lor," explained one 'Cai Fan' athlete.

Citizens found using English terms like 'latte' or 'takeaway' will be sentenced to three years of hard labour scrubbing grease traps in Geylang.