The Singapore government has officially declared all SME owners "National Heroes" for their tireless service in clicking the "Submit" button on the CPF portal every month.

Under the new "Merciful Master" initiative, bosses will now be entitled to a standing ovation whenever they reluctantly fork out the mandatory 17% contribution.

"Wah lau, this CPF contribution really is charity work, you know?" said SME owner Tan Ah Kow, while wiping his tears with a gold-plated tissue box.

"I pay him salary already, still must give money to the gahmen to keep for him? My heart pain sia, might as well just give him my blood."

Economists suggest that this forced generosity is the only thing preventing local bosses from replacing their entire workforce with non-contributory cardboard cutouts.

Meanwhile, employees remain thrilled to see their wealth grow in a locked vault they can only access once they are too old to chew solid food.