SMRT has officially pivoted from transport to a full-time grovelling academy, proving that scripted words are significantly cheaper than replacing 40-year-old copper cables.

The new 'Express Remorse' initiative features a specialised team of professional bowers trained to hit a perfect 90-degree angle the moment a train stalls.

"SMRT CEO bow until his pants burst, then I know he really sorry for the signal fault, sibei tok kong," remarked regular commuter Tan Ah Kow.

LTA confirmed that upcoming fare hikes will exclusively fund more high-definition cameras to broadcast corporate weeping in 4K resolution.

Commuters can now download an app to pre-order their favourite style of grovelling before the morning rush hour even begins.

The ministry insists that while the trains don't move, the emotional journey of a well-crafted press release is truly priceless.