Recruit Tan, currently rotting in Pulau Tekong, discovered that "long distance" isn't measured in kilometres, but in how many minutes it takes an expat to unzip his girlfriend's Uniqlo jeans.

While Tan was busy scrubbing his SAR 21 with a toothbrush, his "stead" of three years was busy exploring the "nightlife" of Clarke Quay with a 40-year-old regional director named Pierre.

"Liddat lor, she say she need space but actually she need some ang moh's big space," sobbed Tan while hiding in the stinking toilet cubicle during admin time.

"I stay in bunk think about her, she stay in Sentosa Cove think about his offshore bank account and his massive boat."

The Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) has since updated its handbook to remind recruits that their 11B does not cover emotional trauma caused by Tinder or wealthy Frenchmen.

"Aiya, focus on your IPPT better lah, your girlfriend already ORD-ed from your life since confinement week," commented Staff Sergeant Lim while polishing his pace stick.

Tan is now reportedly looking forward to his book-out, where he plans to spend his entire miserable allowance on a club table he absolutely cannot afford.