The neighbourhood kopitiam has officially been reclassified as a high-intensity psychological warfare training ground by the Ministry of Defence.

The "Kopi Soh" behind the counter has reportedly mastered the ability to smell fear and low bank balances from fifty paces away.

"I just want one teh-c siew dai, but she shout at me like I kill her mother like that, so scary sia," reported one trembling millennial survivor.

Meanwhile, local uncles have successfully achieved a state of permanent fusion with their plastic chairs, surviving solely on half-boiled eggs and 4D-induced despair.

"Eh hello, you no eyes ah, my NTUC tissue paper already 'chope' this table since 6am," yelled a resident while brandishing a stained toothpick.

Sociologists confirm that the 'Auntie' calling you 'Handsome' is not a compliment, but a calculated tactical strike to ensure you do not ask for change.