The Ministry of Education has unveiled its updated sexuality syllabus, which officially classifies the act of procreation as a purely administrative task managed by the Treasury.

Secondary students will no longer study the fallopian tubes, but will instead focus on the more erotic process of calculating stamp duty for a four-room flat.

"Last time I think bird-and-bee thing very scary, but now I know babies just appear once my bank account got enough money," said student, Aloysius Tan.

Teachers are instructed to maintain a safe five-metre distance from pupils while pointing at a whiteboard that simply reads 'Please Just Study Instead'.

"Cher say if I hold hand before marriage, my ovaries will automatically sign petition to deport me, so I better don't anyhow," explained secondary two student, Meiling.

The module concludes with a mandatory workshop on how to view a naked human body without immediately calling the police.