The sheer panic witnessed at the SAF Mobilisation Centre yesterday confirms a long-held theory: Singaporean men are physically incapable of locating their own identity cards without mandatory, state-sponsored trauma. Recruits, fresh from parental coddling, descended into operatic despair upon discovering that their mandatory issued brown boots require the application of *actual effort*—a concept foreign to those raised on $1.50 chicken rice. One bewildered Private, identified only as ‘Hao Gan’ (overly enthusiastic), reportedly burst into tears, screaming, "Aiyoh, the lace holes! They not magnetic one, ah? So inefficient, lah!" Meanwhile, NS Command issued a memo confirming that 70% of the ensuing chaos was, in fact, a highly effective stress inoculation exercise designed to prepare them for the agony of booking a good canteen slot. It's officially the most rigorous intellectual test of their lives: finding the correct form to prove you aren't *actually* needed at home.