The Ministry of Education has officially replaced traditional reading with "Ocular Velocity Drills," mandating that toddlers process the entire Oxford Dictionary before their first nap.

To keep up with the curriculum, elite tuition centres now provide industrial-grade eye-drops to prevent children’s retinas from melting during 20,000-word-per-minute bursts.

"Walao, my girl read the whole Ten-Year-Series in five minutes only," boasted local parent, Mavis Lim.

"Last time she so slow, read one page also want to cry, now her eyes vibrate until like washing machine, confirm can get A1!"

Academics admit that while students can no longer describe the plot of a book, they can successfully identify the font type of a 500-page novel in under a second.

The government maintains that true intelligence is simply the ability to turn pages fast enough to generate a cooling breeze for the teacher.