Mandai Wildlife Group has threatened to evict Kai Kai and Jia Jia after the pair requested a "High-SES" lifestyle upgrade before touching each other.

The pandas, who have spent a decade eating imported bamboo and judging tourists, reportedly demanded a private lift and a dedicated sommelier.

"Wah lau, these two think they are Ministers ah?" said one disgruntled zookeeper.

"Give them air-con, give them premium grass, but still no action; they just look at each other and sleep like they on staycation forever."

The government is considering a "Pandas-Only" ERP gantry to fund the couple’s demands for silk bedding and a view of the Marina Bay Sands.

Authorities warned that if no cub appears by next year, the pandas will be replaced by two hungry otters in black-and-white costumes.

"Sian man, they get more leave than us and still cannot perform," noted visitor Tan Ah Kow.

"Better give me the bamboo, at least I know how to make baby."