Nanyang Girls' High has officially declared a national state of emergency after a Secondary 2 student was spotted breathing for leisure.

The school’s board of directors immediately suspended the girl’s access to oxygen, citing that “leisurely respiration” is a gateway drug to a life of manual labour.

Principal Tan expressed absolute horror at the discovery of a B+ grade in a recent mock geography quiz.

"Wah lau, B+ is basically failing already lor, might as well go sell tissue paper at hawker centre," said Mrs. Lim, a parent who has already pre-ordered her daughter’s coffin to match her future Harvard graduation gown.

New school policies now mandate that students must transcribe the entire Encyclopedia Britannica during their five-minute lunch breaks to maintain academic momentum.

Any student caught blinking more than three times a minute will be fitted with industrial-strength eyelid clamps to ensure constant focus on their Ten-Year Series.

"I tell you ah, my daughter sleep four hours only, still can get 98 marks? So lazy one, I go complain to MOE then she know," complained a local mother.