The Ministry of Health has unveiled a revolutionary "Stagnation Stipend" to compensate Singaporeans for effectively living their final years in polyclinic plastic chairs.

Under the new scheme, citizens earn a staggering $0.12 for every four hours spent inhaling the collective germs of a hundred sneezing toddlers.

Financial advisors are already hailing the "Waiting Room" as a low-risk investment vehicle for those seeking to monetise their slow decline into oblivion.

"Wah lau, I wait until my cataracts get cataracts, but at least now I got 'passive income' for sitting down!" remarked local retiree Tan Ah Kow.

"Wait another three days maybe can buy one whole chicken, steady lah!"

Authorities clarified that the subsidy is only payable if the patient remains conscious and does not attempt to "cheat the system" by dying prematurely.

The government reminded the public that waiting is the only national sport Singaporeans are actually good at.