Corporal Tan, a man whose only real brush with death involved a jammed SAR21, recently informed his friends that his 24km route march was statistically more harrowing than the Siege of Stalingrad.

The self-proclaimed "warrior" spent three hours at a local coffee shop explaining how carrying a field pack through a paved road in Pasir Ris is the ultimate test of human endurance.

Despite never seeing a bullet fired in anger, Tan insisted that the humidity in Tekong is a "war crime" punishable by the Geneva Convention.

"Limpeh tell you ah, outfield is hell, my kuku bird all chaota already, you admin boys stay office air-con where can compare?" Tan shouted, while aggressively massaging his slightly sore calves.

His friends, who actually contribute to society, were forced to listen to Tan describe his "near-death experience" of running out of foot powder during a three-day exercise in the jungle.

Tan later confirmed that his traumatic stress is triggered whenever he sees a green plastic mug or smells shitty combat ration chicken frankfurters.