In a desperate bid to distract from their total lack of personality, thousands of Singaporean singles are flocking to "Erotic Rempah" workshops.

These classes promise that the pungent scent of fermented shrimp paste is the ultimate aphrodisiac for a generation that thinks "Netflix and Chill" involves an actual refrigerator.

Participants are encouraged to knead dough with a level of primal aggression usually reserved for peak-hour MRT commutes.

"I cannot find boyfriend, so I come here to touch cucumber and hope for the best lah," said 34-year-old participant, Jolin Tan.

"At least if I stay virgin forever, I can still make a mean sambal that burns as much as my loneliness, so sian," she added, while sobbing into a stone mortar.

Instructors report that most men attend solely to see if a high-end KitchenAid mixer provides more suction than their last Tinder date.

The government has quietly endorsed these sessions as a cheaper alternative to fixing the national libido.