The Ministry of Education has officially replaced the Primary 1 balloting system with a mandatory televised hunger-strike for parents.

Officials stated that the previous system of living within one kilometre of a top-tier school was "insufficiently traumatic" for the nation’s youth.

Under the new Phase 2C guidelines, parents must now compete in a high-stakes obstacle course involving hot coals and legal liability waivers.

"Liddat better lor," said local father Tan Ah Kow, while sharpening a bamboo pole outside Nanyang Primary.

"Last time stay 1km also no guarantee, now at least I can whack other father to get my son in, very fair one."

Successful applicants will receive a school uniform and a lifetime of high blood pressure, while losers are exiled to Jurong Island.

The MOE confirmed that "meritocracy" is now officially defined as the physical ability to survive blunt force trauma.