The Housing Development Board has finally ended its 34-year war against feline insurgents, officially allowing two cats per household.

To ensure harmony, all cats must now undergo mandatory National Service to learn how to catch non-existent HDB mice.

Pet owners must install soundproof whiskers to prevent "mewing" from disturbing the peace of miserable neighbours.

"Liddat also can?"

"My cat stay here so long already, now then must pay license fee for what?"

"Last time gahmen say cat messy, now suddenly can stay, but must go course and microchip like criminal."

Cats caught failing to recycle or criticising urban planning will be immediately deported to Sentosa.

Small dogs remain legal, provided they are sufficiently neurotic and bark like a crying infant.

A task force will ensure hamsters do not exceed legal decibel limits during midnight wheel sessions.