The Land Transport Authority has successfully rolled out ERP 3.0, featuring miniaturised gantries installed directly over every Singaporean’s matrimonial bed.

This bold initiative aims to manage "nocturnal congestion" and ensure friction between citizens results in a direct contribution to the national treasury.

Officials confirmed peak-hour rates apply to sessions exceeding three minutes, though most local men will likely qualify for the "Early Bird" discount.

"Siao liao, now want to piak-piak also must check CashCard first," complained Toa Payoh resident Tan Ah Kow.

"The OBU start beeping halfway then my mood totally gone, sibeh jialat man!"

Transport ministers clarified the move encourages Singaporeans to "optimise their thrusting efficiency" for the sake of the economy.

Plans are already underway to install smaller gantries on toilet seats to tax high-fibre waste.