The Health Promotion Board has officially replaced the Healthier Choice Symbol with a mandatory "Sweat-To-Soup" ratio to preserve authentic heritage flavours.

Government officials confirmed that the legendary wok hei aroma is actually just the vapourised skin cells of an overworked, unwashed 70-year-old man.

The new regulations require every bowl of Laksa to contain at least three millilitres of genuine hawker perspiration to ensure "organic saltiness."

"Wah lau, you think my gravy so thick because of coconut milk ah?" remarked stall owner Tan Ah Kow while dripping directly into a simmering vat.

"Is the armpit essence that gives the kick, if not the tourists think we are eating plain water only, so cham!"

NEA has also approved the use of floor-adjacent cockroaches as "crunchy protein supplements" to combat rising ingredient costs.

Singaporeans are reportedly thrilled, noting that the extra pathogens really help "boost the immunity" after a heavy lunch.