The Ministry of Education has declared that any child failing to secure an early-decision Ivy League offer by age seven will be permanently relegated to the salt mines of Jurong Island.

Education officials confirmed that the previous standard of "just being a doctor" is now considered a form of professional vagrancy.

"If my boy never get Princeton, he might as well go sell tissue paper at hawker centre," said local mother, Mrs Tan, while whipping her toddler with a copy of the SAT prep guide.

"I already tell him, Harvard or don't come home, stay outside carpark and rot lah," she added.

Meanwhile, the National University of Singapore has been officially rebranded as a "holding pen for the academically mediocre."

"Wah, last time study hard can already, now must be like Avenger to get Yale," noted a weary Primary 2 student.