NParks has confirmed that spending five figures on a carbon-fibre mountain bike officially exempts owners from the burden of human empathy.

The new "Elite Trail Protocol" dictates that any cyclist wearing enough Lycra to restrict blood flow to the brain has absolute right-of-way over hikers and slow-moving seniors.

"Eh hello, my S-Works cost more than your life savings, you think I will brake for your grandmother ah?" shouted local cyclist, Daryl Koh.

"I chasing my Strava timing leh, if she cannot jump into the longkang fast enough, that one her problem liao!"

Rangers have been instructed to ignore the screams of mangled pedestrians, provided the perpetrator’s suspension is tuned for maximum "shredding."

Authorities believe this system perfectly reflects Singapore’s core values: whoever owns the most expensive gear is naturally more important.