The Maritime and Port Authority has officially designated Pulau Ubin bumboats as Singapore’s premier "Floating Tetanus and Carbon Monoxide Experience."

For just four dollars, commuters can enjoy the thrill of a vessel held together primarily by rusted metal and congealed diesel grease.

The upgrade includes a mandatory "Lung Blackening" session as the engine coughs enough black smoke to choke a medium-sized rainforest.

"Wait for twelve people then can move, if you hot then too bad lor," remarked Uncle Lim, a boatman whose skin resembles seasoned beef jerky.

"Life jacket under the seat but good luck finding, most likely the cockroach eat already," he added while flicking ash into the fuel-slicked sea.

Officials confirm the terrifying swaying is a feature designed to remind pampered mainlanders of their own mortality.