The Land Transport Authority has announced a bold new policy to execute any commuter who stands directly in front of opening MRT doors.

Starting Monday, station staff will be armed with high-voltage cattle prods to violently relocate aunties who treat the yellow line as a mere suggestion rather than a divine boundary.

“Wah lau, I stand there only then the staff go zapping my backside, damn pain sia!” complained local uncle Lim Ah Huat while nursing a charred buttock.

The LTA insists that public executions are the only logical solution to Singaporeans’ inability to grasp the basic physics of letting people out first.

Survivors of the morning rush will be awarded a celebratory EZ-Link sticker for their bravery in the face of state-sponsored queuing.