NParks has officially reclassified Singapore’s dawn-dwelling Tai Chi groups as a highly territorial invasive species. These silver-maned predators congregate in public parks to engage in ritualistic, slow-motion combat against invisible demons and humid air. Authorities warn that their synchronised flailing creates a localised time-dilation field, causing nearby joggers to physically age three decades upon contact.

"I tell you ah, those uncles are damn scary," said witness Ah Hock. "One time I accidentally walk into their circle, then one auntie 'push' the air at me. My knee start to pain immediately and I feel like I need to buy medicated oil. They move so slow but their power level over 9000 sia. Don't play play, confirm they are sith lords."