The Health Promotion Board has officially declared war on Nasi Lemak, reclassifying its sambal as a Class A narcotic. Following a nationwide spike in "coconut-induced euphoria," authorities have begun raiding hawker centres to seize illicit supplies of ikan bilis and high-purity coconut rice.

Medical experts claim the average Singaporean’s blood now possesses the viscosity of kaya. "Wah lau, government siao liao ah?" said local uncle, Lim Kopi, while hiding a packet of "power" rice in his waistband. "If I don't eat my Friday Nasi Lemak, I cannot function. My heart skip beat is because of love, not cholesterol lah! Don't be so kiasu can or not?"

While the elite pay $30 for "deconstructed" versions in Tanjong Pagar, the masses are being urged to swap fried chicken for steamed tofu. Violators caught with extra crispy crumbs face immediate deportation to Pulau Tekong for "re-education" and mandatory cardio.