SMRT has announced a revolutionary spatial efficiency policy requiring all non-cycling commuters to undergo spinal compression to accommodate more foldable bicycles.

Transport officials confirmed that a single Brompton owner’s right to occupy four square metres of floor space during rush hour is legally superior to your basic human rights.

New hydraulic presses will be installed at Jurong East to ensure aunties are flattened into manageable two-dimensional sheets before boarding.

"Eh, you move your leg lah, my rim very expensive one you know!" screamed 45-year-old cyclist, Tan Ah Kow, while jamming his greasy chainring into a commuter’s shin.

"LTA say must share space what, so I share my chain grease with her skirt lor, why she so triggered?"

Commuters who refuse to be origami-ed will be tossed onto the tracks to serve as human ball bearings.