The Ministry of Education has introduced a mandatory "Straitjacket and Muzzle" policy for parents within a 5km radius of any Primary School.

This follows a local woman, Mdm Tan, who was found attempting to waterboard her son with chicken essence after he forgot the formula for the volume of a sphere.

"If he don't get AL1, he can go sleep in the void deck and find new family already, I don't care," Mdm Tan screamed while frantically sharpening 2B pencils into lethal weapons.

Psychologists suggest that the national panic has reached a point where parents are considering trading their actual souls for an AL1.

MOE officials reminded parents that while children are technically replaceable, the carbon footprint of birthing a new "scholar" is unfortunately quite high.

"My son is not a human, he is a retirement plan with legs," another parent added while tattooing the Periodic Table onto her toddler's eyelids.

"Last night I dream he get AL8, I straight away wake up and throw his iPad from 40th floor, sibeh heng it was just a dream lor."