In a groundbreaking move to finally settle the age-old academic rivalry, Singapore's Ministry of Education (MOE) has announced the immediate dissolution of all local universities. Effective next semester, all Singaporean students will be force-fed a curriculum distilled from the most contradictory elements of UK and US higher education systems. ‘It’s about efficiency, lah,’ stated a MOE spokesperson. ‘Why choose between a three-year bender in the UK or four years of crippling debt in the US when we can combine the worst of both?’ Students are reportedly thrilled. One Secondary 6 enrollee, Ken Lim, lamented, “Confirm *sian* lah. Now can graduate with UK degree standard but US loan amount. So smart!” Experts predict a 300% surge in mid-life existential crises by 2026.