The Housing Development Board has officially announced that the Minimum Occupation Period will be extended to 99 years to ensure no citizen ever experiences liberty.

Under the new "Stay-Till-You-Stiff" policy, any resident attempting to sell their BTO flat before their pulse stops will be recycled into the lift lobby tiles.

"Liddat I stay here until I become ghost also cannot sell ah?" asked 32-year-old Tan Ah Kow while staring at his crumbling ceiling.

"Wah lau, wait five years already sian half, now must wait until I go Mandai then can flip for profit?"

Government spokespeople argue that trapping young couples in sixty-square-metre boxes for eternity is the only way to maintain property cooling measures without actually cooling anything.

Residents are now advised to treat their master bedrooms as practice coffins to ensure a seamless transition into the afterlife.