Singapore’s financial sector has reached a new peak of absurdity as banks begin offering long-term financing plans for a single cup of caffeine.

The Monetary Authority of Singapore has officially reclassified the humble kopi-o as a "High-Value Alternative Asset," sitting comfortably between luxury watches and gold bullion.

Coffee shop uncles have reportedly replaced their stained singlets with tailored suits, demanding to see a three-month payslip before even touching the sock.

“Wah lau, now drink one cup also must check credit score ah?” complained local resident Tan Beng Huat.

“Last time I buy one cup can get change, now I need to sell my car just to add extra condensed milk!”

Financial experts suggest that if inflation continues, a standard breakfast set will soon require a parliamentary act and a blood sacrifice.

“Actually hor, I think next time I just lick the coffee bean and pray for the best,” added another regular.