The Land Transport Authority has unveiled a foolproof method to ensure commuters surrender seats to the elderly.

All reserved seats will be fitted with pressure plates that detonate if a teenager sits for over six seconds.

The move eliminates the "sleep-faking" phenomenon where commuters enter a trance upon seeing a walking stick.

"Aiyah, last time I must stare until my eyes dry, now the seat just go 'boom' and the boy fly away, so convenient!" remarked Mdm Wong.

Invisible illnesses are now considered a myth punishable by public caning and a permanent ban from Toast Box.

"Siao liao, I really got back pain but now I rather stand than become human fireworks, later my backside char siew!" said one student.