The Singapore government has officially promoted the MacRitchie Reservoir macaque population to the rank of Senior Civil Servants.

These furry bureaucrats are now legally authorised to violently audit any hiker suspected of concealing high-calorie contraband.

"Wah lau, the monkey snatch my bag then stare at me like I owe him money," complained frequent hiker, Lim Kopi.

Under the new 'Primate Productivity' framework, your expensive hiking gear is now considered a mandatory donation to the Alpha Male’s harem.

NParks officials confirmed that being bitten by a monkey is a 'proactive networking opportunity' for the local healthcare sector.

"I try to run but the fella kick my leg then take my handphone to call his mother," said traumatised witness, Ah Lian.

Citizens are reminded that filing a police report against a monkey will result in a defamation lawsuit from the macaque's legal team.