The Monetary Authority of Singapore has officially updated the Total Debt Servicing Ratio to include the potential resale value of a borrower’s non-vital appendages.

To prevent citizens from drowning in debt, the new 5% threshold ensures that anyone earning under six figures can only afford to live in a repurposed dumpster.

Banks are now mandated to check if applicants have "spent too much on breathing" before approving a basic HDB loan.

"Siao liao, like that how to buy house? Next time my son born must straight away go work seven jobs then can pass TDSR is it?" complained one frustrated millennial.

The government maintains that these cooling measures are essential to keep the property market "sustainable" for the three multi-billionaires who actually own the island.

Financial planners now recommend that young couples sell their souls to a REIT for a 1% discount on a 99-year leasehold broom closet.