Recent studies confirm that the average Singaporean relationship is now held together entirely by the structural integrity of a luxury shopping bag.

Couples have officially ditched the bedroom for the frigid air-conditioning of Ion Orchard, where the only thing getting "blown" is a three-month salary.

“Wah lau, my girlfriend touch the leather more than she touch me leh,” complained local boyfriend, Kelvin Tan, while weeping silently outside a Zara changing room.

“Every time I pay at the counter, she look at the receipt like it’s her soulmate, then give me one dry peck as reward points,” he added.

Experts suggest that the high-pitched beep of a credit card machine is now the most potent aphrodisiac for the modern Sinkie woman.

Meanwhile, men have accepted that their primary role in the sexual ecosystem is to act as a sentient coat hanger with a contactless payment chip.

“If he no Platinum card, he basically a eunuch in Uniqlo shirt lor,” remarked one shopper as she browsed for a fifth identical handbag.