The Ministry of Education has announced that the standard ‘ABCs’ are now legally classified as a cognitive disability for children over eighteen months old.

Under the new ‘Hyper-Performance Toddler’ framework, preschools must replace finger painting with high-frequency derivatives trading and nuclear fusion theory.

Local father, Lim Ah Huat, recently installed a neural-link in his three-year-old to ensure the boy dreams exclusively in Python code.

“Aiyah, last time three years old must know how to count, now don't know AI is consider brain-dead already lah,” Lim shouted while tattooing the periodic table onto his son’s forearm.

“If he cannot get into RI by age six, I might as well throw him in the longkang and start over.”

Parents are now reportedly injecting caffeine directly into their toddlers' juice boxes to ensure 22-hour study cycles.

The government maintains that a child’s joy is a luxury the national GDP simply cannot afford.