Local couple Tan Ah Teck and Bee Lan have officially downgraded their eldest son, Jason, from "Successor" to "Liability" after his monthly allowance contribution failed to beat inflation.

The couple, who viewed procreation as a high-yield investment strategy, expressed deep dissatisfaction with Jason’s miserable 2.5% dividend payout.

"I feed him so big, now he give me peanuts, better I go buy DBS shares lah!" Mrs Tan shrieked while reviewing the family’s quarterly earnings report.

The state has suggested that underperforming children be liquidated or traded for high-flying investment bankers to ensure elderly luxury.

"His sister give $800, he give $200—basket, he think I am charity ah?" Mr Tan added, sharpening a meat cleaver near the family portrait.

Experts suggest that Singaporean youth should prepare for a hostile takeover if their parental debt remains unpaid.