The Bukit Timah Mountain Bike Trail has officially been designated as Singapore’s premier venue for middle-aged men to stand around looking sweaty in neon Lycra.

Most "athletes" now treat the treacherous terrain as a high-altitude smoking corner where they can escape their families under the guise of cardiovascular health.

"Wah piang, the hill so steep for what? I come here for the vibes only, not to die," remarked one cyclist while scrolling through his phone on a granite boulder.

NParks officials noted that technical features like 'The Rock Garden' are primarily used as ergonomic benches for men to complain about their bosses.

"Every ten metres must stop one, if not later heart attack how? Better lepak here and pretend I checking my derailleur," added another participant currently being overtaken by a very determined snail.