The Singapore Armed Forces has officially replaced the Geneva Convention with a 500-man WhatsApp group chat.

Security experts confirmed that the "ping" sound of a new notification now triggers more PTSD than actual artillery fire.

Captain Tan, a man whose personality is 90% starch, reportedly spent four hours staring at his screen to see who hadn't blue-ticked his message about stray cats in the cookhouse.

"Eh, fucker, I post the duty roster at 3 AM, why you 3:01 AM still never say 'Noted'?" barked Captain Tan while vibrating with unearned authority.

"I don't care if you are sleeping, you better acknowledge before I sign you extra until you see ghosts!"

The group chat, titled 'PLATOON 4 TRG (STRICTLY NO CHAT)', serves as a digital gulag where men watch their youth die one 'Recruit Low Acknowledge' at a time.

Recruit Lim, currently hiding in a portaloo, expressed his terror at the digital onslaught.

"Siao liao, my phone battery 1%, if I don't reply 'Noted with thanks' now, Encik will make me do pump until my balls drop off," Lim whispered.

Military psychologists suggest that the SAF's "Copy-Paste" culture has successfully lobotomised the local male population.

The SAF plans to unveil a new 'Super-Urgent' group where leaving the chat results in immediate public execution.