The Singapore government has replaced the traditional first date with a mandatory 72-hour deep-dive into a partner’s digital trash.

The new "Stalk-To-Sext" protocol ensures no Sinkie enters a bedroom without knowing the exact model of their partner’s 2011 secondary school laptop.

Citizens are encouraged to report anyone who hasn't screenshotted their crush’s tagged photos from a 2015 Sentosa beach party to the proper authorities.

"I spend three hours every night checking if he follow any chio bu on TikTok, if not I feel very insecure leh," said resident, Jancy Tan.

Dating experts claim true intimacy requires memorising your partner’s LinkedIn endorsements from people they haven't seen in a decade.

"Don't say I never warn you ah, if you never see his 2009 Facebook wall posts, you just asking for trouble sia," warned local investigator, Ah Lian.