The Singapore government has officially designated local wet markets as high-intensity combat zones for citizens over sixty.

Dressed in floral pyjamas, local warriors navigate treacherous, slime-coated floors with the agility of geriatric ninjas.

"You think this fish fresh? I tell you ah, the eye still blinking but I want fifty cent off or I poke your eye out," shouted Mdm Tan, 78.

Fishmongers, operating in a mist of blood and scales, have reportedly begun using chainsaws to satisfy the bloodlust of the morning crowd.

The humidity acts as a natural marinade for raw carcasses swaying under flickering fluorescent lights.

"Wah lau, the floor so slippery I see one uncle do backflip into the prawn bucket," remarked a traumatized bystander.

Nothing says culinary excellence like buying poultry that was breathing five minutes ago from a man smoking over an open drain.